he's not a good husband.

I was scrolling instagram and saw a post by one of my favorite follows, Paige Connell, talking about how there is an epidemic of women married to “good guys” who are overwhelmed and drowning.

She calls it the “Good Husband Conundrum,” but why are we calling it that? For a man to be labeled a “good guy” that a woman should feel lucky to be married to, he typically just needs to have a job, not abuse her, not cheat, and maybe do a few bedtimes a week. And if women have that, they’re told to be grateful. There’s constant talk on social media, and in real-life conversations, about “reframing” frustrations with your husband. I constantly see moms talking about how their husband dropped the ball (again!) and how they were tempted to get frustrated, but instead chose to focus on how lucky they are to be married to a “good guy” and have this beautiful life. After all, no one’s perfect!

The New York Times ran an opinion piece, At 66, He's Finally The Husband of My Dreams and the writer chronicles decades of managing the full load of motherhood and working full time in New York City, and even in this progressive environment, her husband is essentially useless. She says she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown trying to manage it all. In his 60s, he apparently learns to cook and pick up some slack around the house, and she now “hates him less.” She finishes the essay with the question, “Why did we have to wait this long?” And her conclusion is….”it’s all too much for two people, and we were so lucky to have what we had, tumult and all.”

They are, in my humble opinion, gaslighting themselves.

I don't think that their husbands are bad people, but if they are not active contributors to the daily lives of their families, they are not good husbands or good dads. Are they “bad husbands” or “bad dads” in an awful, malicious way? Probably not. But that does not make them good!

The role that women play in this dynamic is that we keep softening our language. We try to approach it with empathy. We lead with a compliment. But it's producing confusion and frustration in men, because all they hear is, “I’m a good dad and a good husband” -and they don’t understand why that isn’t enough. It’s a mixed message. When in reality, they are not being good partners or parents! But that’s a difficult thing to say to someone you love.

Women will also, rightly, observe that men are not socialized to notice these things. That men don't have these expectations placed on them. And they are correct, our society socializes women to pay close attention to the people around them, to anticipate needs, and to put others first. This is also part of maturing and being an adult.

The socialization piece matters, especially as we raise the next generation. It might help women take it less personally when their husband forgets their birthday (again), but ultimately, it’s an explanation, not an excuse. And in this day and age, men do not have an excuse for not knowing that this is a major issue. If they want to show up in their relationships as good partners, they need to care. And they need to act.

Women want to feel like their spouse has their back. They want their spouse to use their thinking cap when they walk into a room and just….do something, anything, to be helpful. To move things along toward dinner or bedtime or school drop off. They want to know that if they aren’t able to get to the dishes, that they will get done in time for the toddler to have a clean sippy cup for preschool. They don't want to be the sole project manager for their lives, they want a partner who is equally invested in building a shared life.

It’s not easy to be a good partner, but it is simple. And if it doesn’t feel simple, men can ask these questions:

“I was going to start dishes, but is there something that would be more helpful in this moment?”

“I was thinking for our anniversary we could do a quick trip up to the mountains, but would you prefer a different location? Or do you just want me to make the decisions and book it?”

“Is there anything you need from me that you're not getting?”

Women need to stop saying that they are married to “amazing men,” because it just reinforces that the bare minimum is amazing. The “conundrum” is that a lot of women are married to men who are subpar husbands and dads. A partnership requires attentiveness, effort, curiosity, humility, and the desire to learn what love looks like to your partner. Until we demand more, we will continue to raise generations who believe that female exhaustion and burnout is the norm, and men who are satisfied with never raising the bar.