Thank you for articulating this — I kept thinking about how, in the poly video they made, in the memoir, and in the bonkers emails and comments Aham has sent… he never takes accountability for acting in a way that hurt his partner at any point. That right there is about as blazing a red flag as you could find.
What gets me is that this was NOT even the version of polyamory they both signed on for.
Lindy agreed to it under certain conditions, and Aham knew them and agreed to them: only women they didn't know, who wouldn't interfere with their lives, who she never had to hear or learn about.
He broke every rule. He actively cheated. Because he unilaterally decided those conditions were unfair, knew if he ever actually asked she'd say no, and has seemingly refused to ever take accountability for that.
In Aham's very public commentary about the book, and the response to the book, he spends the majority of his energy yelling at people whose conclusions make him look bad. He never gives the impression that he cares about LIndy more than he cares about his image.
I worry about how someone with that fragile an ego will treat his loved ones in private. My perception has evolved from "wow, she seems unhappy and is possibly lying to herself" to "I'm genuinely afraid for her safety" over the past few days.
Well said, Emily. I agree that you see her do the work and do not see Aham do the same. But we are still told that he is good because he cooks sometimes? It’s not enough.
I also think part of what is going on is that Lindy is on the demisexuality spectrum based on several things in the book. It’s not explicitly said but I wonder if it’s part of why she feels the need to defend him. Like he can pull in others because she’s not doing her “wifely duties.” Anyways, I won’t be surprised when this comes to light in 3-5 years.
I think it's interesting that the discourse about this is morphing from "he's unequivocally in the wrong" toward "the inequality in this relationship makes it a bad example of love." I know a decent amount of relationships where one person is more desperate to stay than the other, and it always creates icky power differentials... But it's realistic, and in this case, it seems like it was messy but that everyone understood what they were staying for? And anyone could leave, they just didn't? Idk. I share your good wishes for Lindy. I'm just more fascinated that people are acting like they haven't seen a relationship where one person gets everything they want and the other decides that this not-great life is better than leaving.
I have, with my own parents, which is why I REALLY want to see Lindy snap out of this and leave his ass. I’ve spent 30+ years watching my dad slowly drain the life out of my mom (not by cheating, but through a variety of other means), and I simply reject the notion that this is something anyone should put up with. Life is too short for the degree of self-hatred required to stay in relationships like this!
Also, the "I compromised for the sake of my relationship" isn't even the book that Lindy wrote! Her telling is that this isn't the dynamic she found; rather, she found empowerment--and I think that spinning of what's going on in this relationship is what a lot of folks take issue with.
She’s not happy. Being grotesquely obese doesn’t happen by accident. Making a living off of it is in poor taste. Spinning liberal fantasies off it as a fat white slave to a black man is disgraceful. I hope she finds a real job a real man and a diet.
Thank you for articulating this — I kept thinking about how, in the poly video they made, in the memoir, and in the bonkers emails and comments Aham has sent… he never takes accountability for acting in a way that hurt his partner at any point. That right there is about as blazing a red flag as you could find.
No matter your relationship structure, that's not ok!!!
What gets me is that this was NOT even the version of polyamory they both signed on for.
Lindy agreed to it under certain conditions, and Aham knew them and agreed to them: only women they didn't know, who wouldn't interfere with their lives, who she never had to hear or learn about.
He broke every rule. He actively cheated. Because he unilaterally decided those conditions were unfair, knew if he ever actually asked she'd say no, and has seemingly refused to ever take accountability for that.
I kept waiting for the slate piece to get mean!!!
In Aham's very public commentary about the book, and the response to the book, he spends the majority of his energy yelling at people whose conclusions make him look bad. He never gives the impression that he cares about LIndy more than he cares about his image.
I worry about how someone with that fragile an ego will treat his loved ones in private. My perception has evolved from "wow, she seems unhappy and is possibly lying to herself" to "I'm genuinely afraid for her safety" over the past few days.
That dude has 100% punched holes in their walls before, he is clearly one ANGRY mf.
Yes. And they are living in an isolated cabin in the woods (that belongs to Lindy.)
I do not like the idea of two women alone in the middle of nowhere with this guy.
Well said, Emily. I agree that you see her do the work and do not see Aham do the same. But we are still told that he is good because he cooks sometimes? It’s not enough.
I also think part of what is going on is that Lindy is on the demisexuality spectrum based on several things in the book. It’s not explicitly said but I wonder if it’s part of why she feels the need to defend him. Like he can pull in others because she’s not doing her “wifely duties.” Anyways, I won’t be surprised when this comes to light in 3-5 years.
I think it's interesting that the discourse about this is morphing from "he's unequivocally in the wrong" toward "the inequality in this relationship makes it a bad example of love." I know a decent amount of relationships where one person is more desperate to stay than the other, and it always creates icky power differentials... But it's realistic, and in this case, it seems like it was messy but that everyone understood what they were staying for? And anyone could leave, they just didn't? Idk. I share your good wishes for Lindy. I'm just more fascinated that people are acting like they haven't seen a relationship where one person gets everything they want and the other decides that this not-great life is better than leaving.
I have, with my own parents, which is why I REALLY want to see Lindy snap out of this and leave his ass. I’ve spent 30+ years watching my dad slowly drain the life out of my mom (not by cheating, but through a variety of other means), and I simply reject the notion that this is something anyone should put up with. Life is too short for the degree of self-hatred required to stay in relationships like this!
Also, the "I compromised for the sake of my relationship" isn't even the book that Lindy wrote! Her telling is that this isn't the dynamic she found; rather, she found empowerment--and I think that spinning of what's going on in this relationship is what a lot of folks take issue with.
She’s not happy. Being grotesquely obese doesn’t happen by accident. Making a living off of it is in poor taste. Spinning liberal fantasies off it as a fat white slave to a black man is disgraceful. I hope she finds a real job a real man and a diet.