what disney and 2000s media actually taught millenial women

hint: it wasn't idealized emotional connection

I came across this tweet by Aella, my favorite data-obsessed escort on the internet, and had a bit of a visceral reaction. I like Aella and find her to be smart and thoughtful, but there is nothing new under the sun, and Aella is not the first nor the last to tell women that they simply want too much. Prince Charming isn’t real, and holding out for a man who romantically pursues you is akin to bleeding to death in a developing country and not going to the hospital because you would prefer to be treated in America. The message is relentless, and it has been told to me as long as I can remember conceptualizing relationships, “Don’t be disappointed by men’s mediocrity. They are not women.”

I responded with my reasoning, upon which I will elaborate.

Aella fleshes out her point in this essay, The Other Porn Land, where she begins by setting up a back and forth argument about whether or not porn is realistic:

“I mean that in real life people - usually women - don’t really like doing that stuff. They’re just acting like they’re into it in order to fulfill a fantasy. If people were really in touch with what they wanted, most people would not be doing most of that insane stuff you see them doing.”

“I dunno, my girlfriends seem super into it.”

“Probably because they think they have to be! Or because early in the relationship they were excited by the sex and willing to try anything because they had butterflies! But it’s just not sustainable.”

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She then pivots into the crux of her argument: we raise boys on porn with images of deepthroating and hairless bodies free of stretch marks, but we raise girls on Disney and RomComs. Both are dangerous, both set us up for disappointment, and yet we only villify one.

In her tweet, she says that women are looking for an “idealized emotional connection,” in her full essay she names two other romantic expectations: wanting flowers, and a beautiful candlelit dinner. Conversely, the men want to cum on their girlfriend’s faces, choke them out, and have neverending anal. Beyond this being borderline misandrist, I’m surprised I even need to state this, but there is just no equivalency here. My best friend dropped off a loaf of sourdough bread when I was getting divorced, I gave my son’s preschool teacher flowers as a show of appreciation, I have prepared a candlelit dinner for my mother-in-law’s birthday, and I was a bridesmaid last week in a wedding for a bride with whom I have an “ideal emotional connection.” What Aella is referring to is basic thoughtfulness, something I would do for any of my friends, an integral part of any reciprocal meaningful relationship, not just a romantic one.

When I think about what Disney taught me as a little girl and what RomComs and Nicholas Sparks movies taught me as a teenager, I agree that it was harmful. However, it was not because those stories taught me to expect a man who would be curious about me, care about my inner world, and take on the mental load. Disney includes very little romancing, it is mostly women who meet a handsome stranger to escape a life they don’t want (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Jasmine). In fact, I know almost nothing about any of the personalities of the male half of those princesses outside of Aladdin. Belle at least gets a candlelit dinner, but she’s being kept prisoner by a man with violent outbursts who eventually changes because of his love for her. Harmful? Sure. Unrealistic expectations of men’s romance? I don’t think so.

Meanwhile, you had movies. like The Notebook and Sweet Home Alabama which showcases a dichotomy that is a regular theme in these stories: do you choose the stable man who loves you and makes a lot of money, or the borderline toxic connection where you are obsessed with each other but constantly bickering? Ryan Gosling’s back and forth with Rachel McAdams was put in many an AIM profile in the early aughts:

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Noah: It’s not about following your heart and it’s not about keeping your promises. It’s about security.

Allie: What’s that supposed to mean?

Noah: [yelling] Money. He’s got a lot of money!

Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.

Noah: You’re bored Allie. You’re bored and you know it. You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something missing.

Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.

Noah: Would you just stay with me?

Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we’re already fightin’

Noah: Well that’s what we do, we fight! You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Allie: So what?

Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.

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Security and chemistry were competing priorities, “chemistry” was code for limerence, and a boring relationship means you are safe but will always be longing for a man who would write you a letter every day for a year. Another common theme was the idealization of a men pursuing uninterested women, women protesting and then eventually giving in (10 Things I Hate About You, Hitch, She’s All That), or a man who is an asshole becoming a kind person for the right girl (A Walk to Remember). Come to think of it, A Walk to Remember may have the most direct scenes of romance of any of my formative media, and Shane West is only doing that much because his girlfriend is dying of cancer. I would hope that “boyfriend who is extra kind if I find out I’m dying” would not be an unrealistic expectation.

Media often portrayed men as distant and unknowable while showcasing rich female friendships, Sex and the City even went as far as to say, “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates, and guys are just people to have fun with.” I would say that if anything, media primed me for emotionally unfulfilling relationships with the opposite sex. I did not expect men to ask me questions about myself, care about my interests, or put in the same emotional effort I did.

What bothers me the most about this whole discourse is comparing a woman doing sex acts that she may find degrading or painful as a comparison to a man listening to his girlfriend talk about her day. As if basic connection is the same as someone being uncomfortable with porn scenes where someone could only participate using a numbing cream and they experienced no true pleasure. Someone not experiencing genuine pleasure from emotional connection with human beings is bordering on psychopathy, not enjoying kinky sex is a preference. I also balk at the idea that men are pretending to give a shit about us because they know they are supposed to, and that’s what earns them the right to sleep with us. But I hear this sentiment unfortunately often.

Broadly, men are not socialized to relate deeply, anticipate needs, or perform the beautiful emotional labor of taking the time to memorize another human being. These are not inborn traits. Our grip strength and throwing velocity may differ between the sexes, but the thing that makes us fundamentally human is our ability to learn and adapt, our neuroplasticity. Taking the time to care about other people is pro-social behavior that extends beyond sexual partners and makes relationships better. Men are capable of this, and not requiring it because we think we should “lower standards” will not be an improvement.

Furthermore, I think wanting an enthusiastic sex partner with an aligned libido is a reasonable desire just as much as I think wanting a partner who attunes to you is reasonable. I don’t think anyone adjusting those expectations would be beneficial. An enthusiastic sex partner is a normal desire, a woman who is fine with “surprise anal” will not be an easy find. Wanting a man who plans a date or cares about your life is normal, wanting a man to plan bachelor style dates where you are picked up in a helicopter will not be an easy find. I have yet to meet a woman who has complained about the latter.

I am reminded of this quote from The Tragedy of Heterosexuality, “It is possible for straight men to like women so much, so deeply, that they actually really like women. Straight men could be so unstoppably heterosexual that they crave hearing women’s voices, thirst for women’s leadership, ache to know women’s full humanity, and thrill at women’s freedom.”

Relationships are work the same way tending a garden is work. They require effort, dedication, paying close attention, and a view of your partner as someone you don’t yet fully know, always a new avenue to discover. We were not indoctrinated to expect this. I think we would all be better off if we had been.