Great article. So often we hear about the increasing divorce rate with no nod whatsoever to the fact that people in abusive or just horribly mismatched relationships once had little or no choice but to endure them.
A single friend of mine in her thirties was dating around but not settling on anyone. When asked about it, she said: "He needs to be as good as me or better or I'm not bothering." I admire that dedication to one's own long-term happiness.
I think it’s hard to talk about the joys of a healthy relationship, because being in a miserable one is so insanely painful, that people who are enduring it are prone to hear expressions of gratitude as if it is not only boasting, but perhaps the kind of boasting that rubs salt in their wounds.
Same with praising our children.
It’s so hard, because I do think it contributes to this social consensus that being married is just so HARD when … it shouldn’t be. Life is hard. A healthy marriage is not 🥲.
Yesssss, PREACH!!! I always say that your partner should be there to help you deal with the stressors of life, not BE one of the main stressors of life! My husband's name is Erik, and I often find myself thinking: "Man, I feel bad for people who aren't married to Erik." LOL. He makes me laugh every day, and on those particular days when I feel exhausted or have a migraine or feel generally overwhelmed, it makes me feel so at ease to open the door to our home and find him there.
It's sad that this post even has to be written, but in our society, sadly it does. This is a reminder that I find more and more people need to hear. So thank you for writing it!
I genuinely hope so, and if people don't find it in a romantic partner, I hope they may find it in friends, family, or their community ♥♥♥ I'm happy you have found your "Erik"!
I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire.
So when I became a wife and mother, there was no script for pleasure, no model for joy in long-term partnership—just survival and service.
But I didn’t want a marriage I had to endure.
I wanted one I could expand in.
And oddly enough, for me, that started with reclaiming intimacy after kids—not as something that disappears in motherhood, but something that could deepen because of it.
Now, our sex life is freer, bolder, and more connected than it ever was pre-kids.
And I write about that—because joy in marriage is possible. So is hot sex after toddler meltdowns.
You just have to be willing to break the narrative you inherited.💥
"Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviors (e.g., conduct and substance use problems), and depressed mood."
"Offspring of divorced/separated parents are also more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, live in poverty, and experience their own family instability. Risk typically increases by a factor between 1.5 and 2."
My mom experienced the trauma of divorce firsthand, and ended up adopting evangelical christianity in part due to this upbringing. I feel very lucky that my parents stuck it out through all the ups and downs in their marriage in order to provide us kids with a stable home environment.
Hey Emily, looking at the comments posted on this and your previous posts, it appears that you're being inundated with male apologist 'bots'. I think your Substack has been targeted somehow.
There's very little to like about marriage. You and your partner slowly fade away under a debri of responsibilities; finances, children and the daily logistics. At the end of the day, both of you are exhausted and just want to crumble into your own minds for a few moments, before it starts all over again.
The irony of nature is that our younger bodies are more suitable for procreation. By the time we figure out the compatibility bit, we are no longer ideal for procreation AND we become pickier... So, maybe people should accept the two-marriage scenario, where they have one marriage when younger to make and raise kids. Then move on to a more compatible situation later, no guilt attached. Or else, renegotiate their first relationship, if they can. And I am not even talking about abusive relationships and other problematic situations. Just regular people doing regular people living and growing... No one ever expects to drive the first car they ever buy forever. I don't understand why they expect to live and enjoy the first person they marry forever. Too much social programming perhaps???
Aww, Emily. Reading that was like watching my high school graduate. Exit the final ceremony and come out with Rose colored glasses and hope for the world.😂😂😂
Marriage is hard because life is hard. And life gets harder and more complicated and more stressful the longer you live it. The upside to being married is you can help each other get through life better. The downside is that like any pair of human beings, occasionally you have a bad day, you get snippy, you communicate poorly, and all it takes is an additional misunderstanding, and the next thing you know you’re arguing.
Life throws you curveballs. You get laid off from work and can’t get the job replaced for maybe over a year… Do you stay unemployed and collect that? Then you have to be underemployed at a little garbage job while you continue looking? Maybe your spouse bickers about you you’re not bringing in as much income?
Sometimes you get the big problems, like your first child is not normal and has a disease. They are special needs, maybe all your children are special needs, and now the both of you are stuck in an unexpected hardship from which there is no escape.
And when you are both emotionally dragged down and at the end of your rope, you can’t even talk to each other for support, because you’re both in the same boat. My wife and I have been through these and more… And we have nearly divorced a dozen times easily. Thankfully, through emotional maturity we both hung in there and we’re in a great place now. It often comes back to a great place if you hang in there long enough. Our grandparents understood that. The modern TikTok trend is to divorce and go seek your happiness in a dating app. That’s a giant mistake.🤷♂️
Well that’s a shame, the divorce part. It’s hard. The world is so dang busy, we get so much on our shoulders. It’s tough to keep it together. Your kids must still be young. It does get easier as they become more independent.
Ironically men aren’t responsible for women’s happiness. It’s something they already have to have otherwise a guy should steer clear because she’ll do some fuckshit and blame him for it.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I agree that the relationship you describe sounds ideal. It's reminding me of a conversation I had earlier this year with a dear friend who lives across seas. I was discussing how our relationship has always felt so "fun", and that I'm begrudgingly missing that lightness in my marriage. My friend laughed and reminded me that we physically see each other once/year if we're lucky, and that we are not building a financial future/raising children together. What I mean to say is, I have NEVER experienced the kind of complex challenges in my other relationships (friends/family) that I have with my husband. This is my take now after almost 10 years of marriage, we'll see where life takes us https://open.substack.com/pub/becomingaves/p/on-not-letting-go?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=30ngcu
I just finished reading "New Rules of Marriage" last week, and Terry Real's point about 'normal marital hatred' goes deeper than just "lots of people are married to partners that make them angry and not happy". (FWIW I totally agree that a marriage that just _stays_ in normal marital hatred is not good.)
Real's view is that we are almost predestined to pick partners who will push our buttons in a bad way, because we internalize our parent's relationship as children and end up with partners who help us fulfill a similar dynamic.
(Another commenter wrote "I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire." and goes on to describe how she started her marriage copying this template. We all try so hard and yet as Apples we never make it that far from the tree.)
Terry's view is one of real optimism, because he believes people can learn to overcome their relationships negative dynamics that clone what people grew up with.
So I would say "marriage is hard, not because it is hard to live with normal marital hatred, but because growing as people from copying the dysfunctional dance of our parents to people who can connect more deeply requires a lot of work and not all of that work is pleasant."
And I would say marriage _should_ be hard work, because the only alternative is to not form a deep relationship with someone - just hang out for the honeymoon phase, then start drifting away and separating emotionally as soon as the buzz wears off.
Great article. So often we hear about the increasing divorce rate with no nod whatsoever to the fact that people in abusive or just horribly mismatched relationships once had little or no choice but to endure them.
A single friend of mine in her thirties was dating around but not settling on anyone. When asked about it, she said: "He needs to be as good as me or better or I'm not bothering." I admire that dedication to one's own long-term happiness.
I think it’s hard to talk about the joys of a healthy relationship, because being in a miserable one is so insanely painful, that people who are enduring it are prone to hear expressions of gratitude as if it is not only boasting, but perhaps the kind of boasting that rubs salt in their wounds.
Same with praising our children.
It’s so hard, because I do think it contributes to this social consensus that being married is just so HARD when … it shouldn’t be. Life is hard. A healthy marriage is not 🥲.
Yesssss, PREACH!!! I always say that your partner should be there to help you deal with the stressors of life, not BE one of the main stressors of life! My husband's name is Erik, and I often find myself thinking: "Man, I feel bad for people who aren't married to Erik." LOL. He makes me laugh every day, and on those particular days when I feel exhausted or have a migraine or feel generally overwhelmed, it makes me feel so at ease to open the door to our home and find him there.
It's sad that this post even has to be written, but in our society, sadly it does. This is a reminder that I find more and more people need to hear. So thank you for writing it!
I have a partner who I feel the same about 😭 it's hard bc sometimes I genuinely wonder if there's an "Erik" out there for everyone
I genuinely hope so, and if people don't find it in a romantic partner, I hope they may find it in friends, family, or their community ♥♥♥ I'm happy you have found your "Erik"!
Im glad you found Erik...i wish i would have found my "Erik" instead of what I did find. But it gives me hope, knowing that someone found "him".
Sending you love, Dana. May you find your "Erik" soon. Or better yet, BE "Erik" to someone else who may need your love 💗
This really resonated.
I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire.
So when I became a wife and mother, there was no script for pleasure, no model for joy in long-term partnership—just survival and service.
But I didn’t want a marriage I had to endure.
I wanted one I could expand in.
And oddly enough, for me, that started with reclaiming intimacy after kids—not as something that disappears in motherhood, but something that could deepen because of it.
Now, our sex life is freer, bolder, and more connected than it ever was pre-kids.
And I write about that—because joy in marriage is possible. So is hot sex after toddler meltdowns.
You just have to be willing to break the narrative you inherited.💥
https://substack.com/@parentsbutloversfirst/p-164412715
"Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviors (e.g., conduct and substance use problems), and depressed mood."
"Offspring of divorced/separated parents are also more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, live in poverty, and experience their own family instability. Risk typically increases by a factor between 1.5 and 2."
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6313686/
My mom experienced the trauma of divorce firsthand, and ended up adopting evangelical christianity in part due to this upbringing. I feel very lucky that my parents stuck it out through all the ups and downs in their marriage in order to provide us kids with a stable home environment.
“Should” is such a fantastically toxic word.
Hey Emily, looking at the comments posted on this and your previous posts, it appears that you're being inundated with male apologist 'bots'. I think your Substack has been targeted somehow.
There's very little to like about marriage. You and your partner slowly fade away under a debri of responsibilities; finances, children and the daily logistics. At the end of the day, both of you are exhausted and just want to crumble into your own minds for a few moments, before it starts all over again.
The irony of nature is that our younger bodies are more suitable for procreation. By the time we figure out the compatibility bit, we are no longer ideal for procreation AND we become pickier... So, maybe people should accept the two-marriage scenario, where they have one marriage when younger to make and raise kids. Then move on to a more compatible situation later, no guilt attached. Or else, renegotiate their first relationship, if they can. And I am not even talking about abusive relationships and other problematic situations. Just regular people doing regular people living and growing... No one ever expects to drive the first car they ever buy forever. I don't understand why they expect to live and enjoy the first person they marry forever. Too much social programming perhaps???
Aww, Emily. Reading that was like watching my high school graduate. Exit the final ceremony and come out with Rose colored glasses and hope for the world.😂😂😂
Marriage is hard because life is hard. And life gets harder and more complicated and more stressful the longer you live it. The upside to being married is you can help each other get through life better. The downside is that like any pair of human beings, occasionally you have a bad day, you get snippy, you communicate poorly, and all it takes is an additional misunderstanding, and the next thing you know you’re arguing.
Life throws you curveballs. You get laid off from work and can’t get the job replaced for maybe over a year… Do you stay unemployed and collect that? Then you have to be underemployed at a little garbage job while you continue looking? Maybe your spouse bickers about you you’re not bringing in as much income?
Sometimes you get the big problems, like your first child is not normal and has a disease. They are special needs, maybe all your children are special needs, and now the both of you are stuck in an unexpected hardship from which there is no escape.
And when you are both emotionally dragged down and at the end of your rope, you can’t even talk to each other for support, because you’re both in the same boat. My wife and I have been through these and more… And we have nearly divorced a dozen times easily. Thankfully, through emotional maturity we both hung in there and we’re in a great place now. It often comes back to a great place if you hang in there long enough. Our grandparents understood that. The modern TikTok trend is to divorce and go seek your happiness in a dating app. That’s a giant mistake.🤷♂️
This takes the cake for the most condescending comment I have been left on this website!
😂😂😂 well sorry, it’s cute seeing the young and inexperienced question things you know they’ll eventually learn about.
The young may not like being “condescended” to, but I was actually just sharing wisdom and perspective. Humankind does learn from stories after all.
I'm nearly 34, was married for nearly a decade, and have given birth to two children.
Well that’s a shame, the divorce part. It’s hard. The world is so dang busy, we get so much on our shoulders. It’s tough to keep it together. Your kids must still be young. It does get easier as they become more independent.
Ironically men aren’t responsible for women’s happiness. It’s something they already have to have otherwise a guy should steer clear because she’ll do some fuckshit and blame him for it.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I agree that the relationship you describe sounds ideal. It's reminding me of a conversation I had earlier this year with a dear friend who lives across seas. I was discussing how our relationship has always felt so "fun", and that I'm begrudgingly missing that lightness in my marriage. My friend laughed and reminded me that we physically see each other once/year if we're lucky, and that we are not building a financial future/raising children together. What I mean to say is, I have NEVER experienced the kind of complex challenges in my other relationships (friends/family) that I have with my husband. This is my take now after almost 10 years of marriage, we'll see where life takes us https://open.substack.com/pub/becomingaves/p/on-not-letting-go?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=30ngcu
I just finished reading "New Rules of Marriage" last week, and Terry Real's point about 'normal marital hatred' goes deeper than just "lots of people are married to partners that make them angry and not happy". (FWIW I totally agree that a marriage that just _stays_ in normal marital hatred is not good.)
Real's view is that we are almost predestined to pick partners who will push our buttons in a bad way, because we internalize our parent's relationship as children and end up with partners who help us fulfill a similar dynamic.
(Another commenter wrote "I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire." and goes on to describe how she started her marriage copying this template. We all try so hard and yet as Apples we never make it that far from the tree.)
Terry's view is one of real optimism, because he believes people can learn to overcome their relationships negative dynamics that clone what people grew up with.
So I would say "marriage is hard, not because it is hard to live with normal marital hatred, but because growing as people from copying the dysfunctional dance of our parents to people who can connect more deeply requires a lot of work and not all of that work is pleasant."
And I would say marriage _should_ be hard work, because the only alternative is to not form a deep relationship with someone - just hang out for the honeymoon phase, then start drifting away and separating emotionally as soon as the buzz wears off.
This is why women should not serve in the military. They demonstrate no natural shame for abandoning the mission.
OP, what is the purpose of marriage in your mind?
Haven’t even read the post yet, but from the but I agree with the title.
Jenn, this is a crazy Substack comment. You could also just not follow her?