Not exactly the topic of this post, but I just wanted to thank you for how you write about the experience of parenting a high needs child. I first found you on twitter, whilst my daughter was on the road to her own diagnosis (she has a genetic disorder that causes profound learning difficulties and autism, amongst other things), and it means a great deal to me, seeing someone articulate these things about our lives that I struggle to find the words for. All the best. X
This one hit me hard because my two year old son is almost certainly autistic, is currently non-verbal, and only recently has begun exhibiting some truly horrendous sleep patterns and insomnia that's apparently typical for autistic people.
And I'm not bothered by the idea of him being autistic--I have many autistic friends, I'll embrace him as he is--but discovering the struggles and the different issues and being told "oh yeah, this is common" is...It's simultaneously a relief and an exasperation. He's adorable, he's a little cuddle bug, he loves the Kpop Demon Hunters soundtrack and also dumping books off the shelves, and he can be so hard to help when he's scream-crying and we can't figure out why.
I think for me, the pro-choice debate comes down largely to the parenting question: nobody should be forced to be a parent. Disabled or not, children are a HUGE investment of money, energy, time, emotions. And we are never guaranteed a healthy or neurotypical child. We didn't learn till my son was over 9 months that he has a genetic complication that affects his development globally. (That's on us for declining genetic screening - past evangelical teachings biting us!)
I can't imagine not wanting my boys, even when I'm exhausted and cranky. But there are plenty of people who don't want kids in general, and who wouldn't want my disabled son in particular. To me, it's their loss. To them, it's not something they'd want.
idk. One mom of an autistic disabled child to another, we love our children, with and without complicated or negative emotions.
My daughter went through the same thing around that age with sleep....it was terrible 😭 but it did get better!!! The scream crying with no answers is also brutal. This parenting life is so hard, and we love our children so much. It is both.
Just chiming in to say I hope things improve with the sleep! My BIL has autism, and when he was a baby my MIL got shingles b/c he never slept consistently. The sleep stuff is so hard on parents, especially moms.
Thank you both! It's somewhat better since his pediatrician recommended a medication to help him sleep - he's going down without a fight, but he still wakes up in the middle of the night...
FORTUNATELY, my husband is incredible and takes the brunt of his wakeful nights!!
Thank you for this piece. I love the beautiful pictures of you with your daughter. As I am sure you have noticed, there is a real lack of writing like yours on the internet ("Cured!" / "Welcome to Beirut" seems to be the dichotomy) and I really appreciate you writing this.
This is such a thoughtful and nuanced piece, Emily.
What resonated with me most was your reminder that we don’t have to dehumanize disabled people to support reproductive choice. Those are not mutually exclusive positions, yet so much of the conversation online seems to treat them that way.
As a parent raising a child with a disability, I often find myself frustrated by how quickly people jump to discussing quality of life, worth, or burden without ever considering the humanity of the person at the center of the conversation. Your point that we can acknowledge the realities, challenges, and fears without reducing disabled lives to tragedy was so important.
Thank you for sharing your family’s story with such honesty 🫂🤍
In practice, it's highly unlikely that the pro-choice side could avoid dehumanizing the disabled while holding pro-choice views. Ultimately the abortion debate is about the moral and/or legal correctness of allowing women to interrupt the development of a fetus into a person. Even if you don't believe that abortion is the same as killing a person, it's a difficult thing to admit that you're choosing to prevent the existence of one in the first place, which means there is a strong motivation to believe that not having an abortion in many circumstances (poverty, fetus likely to have a disability, mother not yet having completed education, etc etc) is ruinous to the life of the mother
It's why progressives interpret the Turnaway Study's finding that there's a convergence between the happiness of mothers denied an abortion and those who received an abortion after 5 years as evidence that there's no evidence of post-abortion regret. That is, progs ignore the broader finding that women denied an abortion do not seem to be any less happy after such a short period of time by reframing it
Conversely, the pro-life side is motivated to do the opposite, namely romanticize post-non-aborted-baby life no matter the circumstances
Emily, you threaded this impossible needle so elegantly 😮💨❤️🔥
Not exactly the topic of this post, but I just wanted to thank you for how you write about the experience of parenting a high needs child. I first found you on twitter, whilst my daughter was on the road to her own diagnosis (she has a genetic disorder that causes profound learning difficulties and autism, amongst other things), and it means a great deal to me, seeing someone articulate these things about our lives that I struggle to find the words for. All the best. X
She doesn't have duplications on a chromosome, does she?
This one hit me hard because my two year old son is almost certainly autistic, is currently non-verbal, and only recently has begun exhibiting some truly horrendous sleep patterns and insomnia that's apparently typical for autistic people.
And I'm not bothered by the idea of him being autistic--I have many autistic friends, I'll embrace him as he is--but discovering the struggles and the different issues and being told "oh yeah, this is common" is...It's simultaneously a relief and an exasperation. He's adorable, he's a little cuddle bug, he loves the Kpop Demon Hunters soundtrack and also dumping books off the shelves, and he can be so hard to help when he's scream-crying and we can't figure out why.
I think for me, the pro-choice debate comes down largely to the parenting question: nobody should be forced to be a parent. Disabled or not, children are a HUGE investment of money, energy, time, emotions. And we are never guaranteed a healthy or neurotypical child. We didn't learn till my son was over 9 months that he has a genetic complication that affects his development globally. (That's on us for declining genetic screening - past evangelical teachings biting us!)
I can't imagine not wanting my boys, even when I'm exhausted and cranky. But there are plenty of people who don't want kids in general, and who wouldn't want my disabled son in particular. To me, it's their loss. To them, it's not something they'd want.
idk. One mom of an autistic disabled child to another, we love our children, with and without complicated or negative emotions.
My daughter went through the same thing around that age with sleep....it was terrible 😭 but it did get better!!! The scream crying with no answers is also brutal. This parenting life is so hard, and we love our children so much. It is both.
Just chiming in to say I hope things improve with the sleep! My BIL has autism, and when he was a baby my MIL got shingles b/c he never slept consistently. The sleep stuff is so hard on parents, especially moms.
Thank you both! It's somewhat better since his pediatrician recommended a medication to help him sleep - he's going down without a fight, but he still wakes up in the middle of the night...
FORTUNATELY, my husband is incredible and takes the brunt of his wakeful nights!!
Thank you for this piece. I love the beautiful pictures of you with your daughter. As I am sure you have noticed, there is a real lack of writing like yours on the internet ("Cured!" / "Welcome to Beirut" seems to be the dichotomy) and I really appreciate you writing this.
This is such a thoughtful and nuanced piece, Emily.
What resonated with me most was your reminder that we don’t have to dehumanize disabled people to support reproductive choice. Those are not mutually exclusive positions, yet so much of the conversation online seems to treat them that way.
As a parent raising a child with a disability, I often find myself frustrated by how quickly people jump to discussing quality of life, worth, or burden without ever considering the humanity of the person at the center of the conversation. Your point that we can acknowledge the realities, challenges, and fears without reducing disabled lives to tragedy was so important.
Thank you for sharing your family’s story with such honesty 🫂🤍
Really appreciate this piece of writing, thank you for approaching with nuance and care for those who get abortions ❤️
In practice, it's highly unlikely that the pro-choice side could avoid dehumanizing the disabled while holding pro-choice views. Ultimately the abortion debate is about the moral and/or legal correctness of allowing women to interrupt the development of a fetus into a person. Even if you don't believe that abortion is the same as killing a person, it's a difficult thing to admit that you're choosing to prevent the existence of one in the first place, which means there is a strong motivation to believe that not having an abortion in many circumstances (poverty, fetus likely to have a disability, mother not yet having completed education, etc etc) is ruinous to the life of the mother
It's why progressives interpret the Turnaway Study's finding that there's a convergence between the happiness of mothers denied an abortion and those who received an abortion after 5 years as evidence that there's no evidence of post-abortion regret. That is, progs ignore the broader finding that women denied an abortion do not seem to be any less happy after such a short period of time by reframing it
Conversely, the pro-life side is motivated to do the opposite, namely romanticize post-non-aborted-baby life no matter the circumstances