Great article. So often we hear about the increasing divorce rate with no nod whatsoever to the fact that people in abusive or just horribly mismatched relationships once had little or no choice but to endure them.
A single friend of mine in her thirties was dating around but not settling on anyone. When asked about it, she said: "He needs to be as good as me or better or I'm not bothering." I admire that dedication to one's own long-term happiness.
I think it’s hard to talk about the joys of a healthy relationship, because being in a miserable one is so insanely painful, that people who are enduring it are prone to hear expressions of gratitude as if it is not only boasting, but perhaps the kind of boasting that rubs salt in their wounds.
Same with praising our children.
It’s so hard, because I do think it contributes to this social consensus that being married is just so HARD when … it shouldn’t be. Life is hard. A healthy marriage is not 🥲.
Yesssss, PREACH!!! I always say that your partner should be there to help you deal with the stressors of life, not BE one of the main stressors of life! My husband's name is Erik, and I often find myself thinking: "Man, I feel bad for people who aren't married to Erik." LOL. He makes me laugh every day, and on those particular days when I feel exhausted or have a migraine or feel generally overwhelmed, it makes me feel so at ease to open the door to our home and find him there.
It's sad that this post even has to be written, but in our society, sadly it does. This is a reminder that I find more and more people need to hear. So thank you for writing it!
I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire.
So when I became a wife and mother, there was no script for pleasure, no model for joy in long-term partnership—just survival and service.
But I didn’t want a marriage I had to endure.
I wanted one I could expand in.
And oddly enough, for me, that started with reclaiming intimacy after kids—not as something that disappears in motherhood, but something that could deepen because of it.
Now, our sex life is freer, bolder, and more connected than it ever was pre-kids.
And I write about that—because joy in marriage is possible. So is hot sex after toddler meltdowns.
You just have to be willing to break the narrative you inherited.💥
Hey Emily, looking at the comments posted on this and your previous posts, it appears that you're being inundated with male apologist 'bots'. I think your Substack has been targeted somehow.
"Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviors (e.g., conduct and substance use problems), and depressed mood."
"Offspring of divorced/separated parents are also more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, live in poverty, and experience their own family instability. Risk typically increases by a factor between 1.5 and 2."
My mom experienced the trauma of divorce firsthand, and ended up adopting evangelical christianity in part due to this upbringing. I feel very lucky that my parents stuck it out through all the ups and downs in their marriage in order to provide us kids with a stable home environment.
I just finished reading "New Rules of Marriage" last week, and Terry Real's point about 'normal marital hatred' goes deeper than just "lots of people are married to partners that make them angry and not happy". (FWIW I totally agree that a marriage that just _stays_ in normal marital hatred is not good.)
Real's view is that we are almost predestined to pick partners who will push our buttons in a bad way, because we internalize our parent's relationship as children and end up with partners who help us fulfill a similar dynamic.
(Another commenter wrote "I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire." and goes on to describe how she started her marriage copying this template. We all try so hard and yet as Apples we never make it that far from the tree.)
Terry's view is one of real optimism, because he believes people can learn to overcome their relationships negative dynamics that clone what people grew up with.
So I would say "marriage is hard, not because it is hard to live with normal marital hatred, but because growing as people from copying the dysfunctional dance of our parents to people who can connect more deeply requires a lot of work and not all of that work is pleasant."
And I would say marriage _should_ be hard work, because the only alternative is to not form a deep relationship with someone - just hang out for the honeymoon phase, then start drifting away and separating emotionally as soon as the buzz wears off.
There's very little to like about marriage. You and your partner slowly fade away under a debri of responsibilities; finances, children and the daily logistics. At the end of the day, both of you are exhausted and just want to crumble into your own minds for a few moments, before it starts all over again.
The irony of nature is that our younger bodies are more suitable for procreation. By the time we figure out the compatibility bit, we are no longer ideal for procreation AND we become pickier... So, maybe people should accept the two-marriage scenario, where they have one marriage when younger to make and raise kids. Then move on to a more compatible situation later, no guilt attached. Or else, renegotiate their first relationship, if they can. And I am not even talking about abusive relationships and other problematic situations. Just regular people doing regular people living and growing... No one ever expects to drive the first car they ever buy forever. I don't understand why they expect to live and enjoy the first person they marry forever. Too much social programming perhaps???
Great article. So often we hear about the increasing divorce rate with no nod whatsoever to the fact that people in abusive or just horribly mismatched relationships once had little or no choice but to endure them.
A single friend of mine in her thirties was dating around but not settling on anyone. When asked about it, she said: "He needs to be as good as me or better or I'm not bothering." I admire that dedication to one's own long-term happiness.
I think it’s hard to talk about the joys of a healthy relationship, because being in a miserable one is so insanely painful, that people who are enduring it are prone to hear expressions of gratitude as if it is not only boasting, but perhaps the kind of boasting that rubs salt in their wounds.
Same with praising our children.
It’s so hard, because I do think it contributes to this social consensus that being married is just so HARD when … it shouldn’t be. Life is hard. A healthy marriage is not 🥲.
Yesssss, PREACH!!! I always say that your partner should be there to help you deal with the stressors of life, not BE one of the main stressors of life! My husband's name is Erik, and I often find myself thinking: "Man, I feel bad for people who aren't married to Erik." LOL. He makes me laugh every day, and on those particular days when I feel exhausted or have a migraine or feel generally overwhelmed, it makes me feel so at ease to open the door to our home and find him there.
It's sad that this post even has to be written, but in our society, sadly it does. This is a reminder that I find more and more people need to hear. So thank you for writing it!
This really resonated.
I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire.
So when I became a wife and mother, there was no script for pleasure, no model for joy in long-term partnership—just survival and service.
But I didn’t want a marriage I had to endure.
I wanted one I could expand in.
And oddly enough, for me, that started with reclaiming intimacy after kids—not as something that disappears in motherhood, but something that could deepen because of it.
Now, our sex life is freer, bolder, and more connected than it ever was pre-kids.
And I write about that—because joy in marriage is possible. So is hot sex after toddler meltdowns.
You just have to be willing to break the narrative you inherited.💥
https://substack.com/@parentsbutloversfirst/p-164412715
Hey Emily, looking at the comments posted on this and your previous posts, it appears that you're being inundated with male apologist 'bots'. I think your Substack has been targeted somehow.
"Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviors (e.g., conduct and substance use problems), and depressed mood."
"Offspring of divorced/separated parents are also more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, live in poverty, and experience their own family instability. Risk typically increases by a factor between 1.5 and 2."
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6313686/
My mom experienced the trauma of divorce firsthand, and ended up adopting evangelical christianity in part due to this upbringing. I feel very lucky that my parents stuck it out through all the ups and downs in their marriage in order to provide us kids with a stable home environment.
“Should” is such a fantastically toxic word.
I just finished reading "New Rules of Marriage" last week, and Terry Real's point about 'normal marital hatred' goes deeper than just "lots of people are married to partners that make them angry and not happy". (FWIW I totally agree that a marriage that just _stays_ in normal marital hatred is not good.)
Real's view is that we are almost predestined to pick partners who will push our buttons in a bad way, because we internalize our parent's relationship as children and end up with partners who help us fulfill a similar dynamic.
(Another commenter wrote "I grew up seeing that marriage was about duty and holiness, not always about happiness. And definitely not desire." and goes on to describe how she started her marriage copying this template. We all try so hard and yet as Apples we never make it that far from the tree.)
Terry's view is one of real optimism, because he believes people can learn to overcome their relationships negative dynamics that clone what people grew up with.
So I would say "marriage is hard, not because it is hard to live with normal marital hatred, but because growing as people from copying the dysfunctional dance of our parents to people who can connect more deeply requires a lot of work and not all of that work is pleasant."
And I would say marriage _should_ be hard work, because the only alternative is to not form a deep relationship with someone - just hang out for the honeymoon phase, then start drifting away and separating emotionally as soon as the buzz wears off.
There's very little to like about marriage. You and your partner slowly fade away under a debri of responsibilities; finances, children and the daily logistics. At the end of the day, both of you are exhausted and just want to crumble into your own minds for a few moments, before it starts all over again.
This is why women should not serve in the military. They demonstrate no natural shame for abandoning the mission.
OP, what is the purpose of marriage in your mind?
The irony of nature is that our younger bodies are more suitable for procreation. By the time we figure out the compatibility bit, we are no longer ideal for procreation AND we become pickier... So, maybe people should accept the two-marriage scenario, where they have one marriage when younger to make and raise kids. Then move on to a more compatible situation later, no guilt attached. Or else, renegotiate their first relationship, if they can. And I am not even talking about abusive relationships and other problematic situations. Just regular people doing regular people living and growing... No one ever expects to drive the first car they ever buy forever. I don't understand why they expect to live and enjoy the first person they marry forever. Too much social programming perhaps???
Haven’t even read the post yet, but from the but I agree with the title.
Jenn, this is a crazy Substack comment. You could also just not follow her?